Now, if you're like me, you're probably crazy, and this means that you've picked out who's receiving various honors at your wedding months before you need to. Then again, if you're like other people I know, you've totally forgotten to do this and only told people the day before, which isn't that great either. Bear in mind that with certain honors come certain responsibilities - someone signing something at your Chassan's Tisch will need to be extremely punctual, which is unlikely without advance notice; someone reciting one of the sheva brachot at the chuppah should not be tucked in the back, stuck in the middle of a row...et cetera, et cetera. But, to the more important point, who should these honors go to anyway?
The great thing about Jewish weddings is that there's about a zillion ways to honor people. At the very least, you need eight eidim, seven people to say sheva brachot under the chuppah, one person to bench, and seven people to say sheva brachot after benching. (Isn't that nuts? I love it.) Want to add more? If you bring your marriage license to your wedding, that's another two people, and up to four people can sign the Jewish prenup. Of course, you can always ask people to make toasts (although I am so wary of this) and you can even have a couple of girlfriends come with you to a dress fitting to learn how to bustle your dress. (Sounds like a dubious honor, I know, but I did this for a close friend and it enabled me to hang out with her and her husband alone for 10 minutes at their wedding, which was amazing.) And don't forget, there are bridesmaids and groomsmen to be had too!
There may be lots of spots, but not every wedding guest is a viable competitor for each:
Eidim - open only to men who are NOT relatives
Eidei Kiddushin - MUST be frum, preferably rabbis, as they should be familiar with the halakhot of kiddushin. A good way to honor whichever of your rabbis is not the Mesader Kiddushin. They serve under the chuppah.
Eidei T'naim - Can be less frum than kiddushin, but don't push it - Shomer Shabbos is a prereq. They sign the t'naim at the Chassan's Tisch. Perfect for good friends.
Eidei Ketubah - Closer to kiddushin in frumness, they also sign at the Tisch. I personally think it's nice to have guys sign who are close friends with both the bride and the groom, since it happens at his tisch but technically belongs to the woman after the wedding. Just a thought.
Eidei Yichud - These can be the least frum, since I think that technically you only need one, but everyone uses two. Try to choose guys who like each other - they have to entertain themselves for about 10 minutes while you're doing whatever you do inside. (Although, it's true - you really do just eat. And sometimes get jewelry.)
Sheva brachot
Under the chuppah - These can go to family, and so they usually do - fathers, grandfathers, and uncles are all popular choices for sheva brachot, as are rabbis you haven't otherwise honored. These very rarely go to friends.
After benching - These are the only honors that should be given out on the spot, as there's no way to know who will be left. Try to honor people who haven't already been recognized - good friends, family who didn't get brachot under the chuppah, etc.
Marriage license
Most people don't do this at the wedding, but it is a nice way to honor someone at a wedding, at least in New York state. (I don't know the law in other states, but in New York state, the officiating rabbi is permitted to notarize the document, and so you don't need another notary present.) Of course, having to sign it in front of the rabbi probably means it'll happen in the Chassan's Tisch, but this can be signed by women.
Jewish prenup
Not the forum to argue for or against, but do find out your officiating rabbi's policy - some will not marry you without signing one, while other's aren't so into it. You can find it on www.bethdin.org, and two people must sign it for each the bride and the groom, although they are permitted to use the same two people, so anywhere from 2-4 people can sign this document. Like the license, women are permitted to sign.
Benching
Traditionally, a kohen leads benching, so do what you can to procure one. Otherwise, any man will do.
As for bridesmaids and groomsmen, that will be addressed in another post. Good night!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I'm OK, You're OK - Guestiquette
Things that are NOT okay as a wedding guest:
1) Neglecting to tell the couple when you last-minute can't make it
2) Wearing anything resembling a wedding dress
3) Not sending in your RSVP on time
4) Inviting an uninvited guest, even a significant other
5) Not giving/sending any sort of gift
6) Dancing with the bride/groom before anyone in the immediate family/wedding party
7) Not attempting to communicate with either guest of honor all night
Things that are NOT okay as a bridesmaid:
1) Wearing anything the bride is not cool with
2) Not throwing a shower and/or a bachelorette party
3) Being overly late for pictures
4) Wearing anything too bridal (e.g. a tiara) unless requested by the bride
5) Getting embarrassingly wasted
6) Hitting on the groom
7) Keeping other guests from dancing with the bride
Q: What is the proper way to get a gift to the couple?
A: Gifts may be brought to the wedding - this can be annoying for the couple and risk getting lost or stolen, but it is not inappropriate. If you don't want to pay shipping, or you want to wrap it yourself and add your own card, you can also buy an item in-store and bring it to either one of the parents' houses (or the couple's apartment). However, the easiest option for everyone is to buy off the couple's registry and have it shipped to the address the couple has provided.
The same is true for monetary gifts, although checks can also be enclosed in the reply card envelope. Just note that the best way to make out checks to the couple if you are giving them before the wedding is to HerFirst HerLast and HisFirst HisLast. It's very cute to give it to Mr. and Mrs. HisLast and all, but since this is not legally the bride's name yet, and she cannot put it on an account without a marriage license, this means that he is the only one who can legally deposit the check, which, depending on bank location and work schedules, may be incredibly annoying. (And yes, you can give cash, but you can not send it through the mail.)
Q: I got an invitation without a reply card. Should I just call up and say I'm coming?
A: Worst. Jewish. Custom. Ever. Unfortunately, nowadays, sending an invitation without a reply card is not always an error; it has, in fact, become the way that people "Chuppah" people, i.e. invite them to the smorgasboard, Chuppah, and first dance, but not for the meal. Essentially, this means that you get the pleasure of their company without paying for them, and they get to drag themselves out to wherever you're having your wedding only to awkwardly leave while everyone else is digging into their arugula.
Now, I'm not saying it's never OK to "Chuppah." If you feel you have a relationship with your friends' siblings, for example, it might be a really nice way to celebrate with them without making them sit through hours of dancing they don't want to be at anyway. Also, if they're not already invited, you may want to invite the parents of your bridesmaids and groomsmen, so they can see their lovely children walk down the aisle (especially since most of them probably subsidized their daughters' gowns!)
What I am saying is that there's a right way and a wrong way. Wrong way? Simply not enclosing a reply card. Most people don't know what this means, and they will just call you up and say "you forgot my reply card, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming!" AWKWARD! Right way? Send a card or make a phone call saying "I'm really sorry I can't have everyone I would like to have at my wedding, but I would love if you could join us for the Chuppah. It would really mean a lot to me to have you there when I walk down the aisle!" or some variation thereof. Being "Chuppahed" can feel like a slight; feeling like the bride or groom made a conscience decision to find some way to include you versus simply leaving a card out of your invitation turns that feeling on the flip side.
Should you get an invitation with no reply card and you're not sure what the intention was, just call up and explain your situation without saying "you made a mistake but don't worry, I'm coming." Allow for the chance it was intentional, and save everyone a little discomfort. If you're pretty sure it was intended as a "Chuppah only" invite, then let it go, and if it turns out you're wrong, then presumably someone will call you up and ask if you're coming in order to finalize the head count. Voila, problem solved!
1) Neglecting to tell the couple when you last-minute can't make it
2) Wearing anything resembling a wedding dress
3) Not sending in your RSVP on time
4) Inviting an uninvited guest, even a significant other
5) Not giving/sending any sort of gift
6) Dancing with the bride/groom before anyone in the immediate family/wedding party
7) Not attempting to communicate with either guest of honor all night
Things that are NOT okay as a bridesmaid:
1) Wearing anything the bride is not cool with
2) Not throwing a shower and/or a bachelorette party
3) Being overly late for pictures
4) Wearing anything too bridal (e.g. a tiara) unless requested by the bride
5) Getting embarrassingly wasted
6) Hitting on the groom
7) Keeping other guests from dancing with the bride
Q: What is the proper way to get a gift to the couple?
A: Gifts may be brought to the wedding - this can be annoying for the couple and risk getting lost or stolen, but it is not inappropriate. If you don't want to pay shipping, or you want to wrap it yourself and add your own card, you can also buy an item in-store and bring it to either one of the parents' houses (or the couple's apartment). However, the easiest option for everyone is to buy off the couple's registry and have it shipped to the address the couple has provided.
The same is true for monetary gifts, although checks can also be enclosed in the reply card envelope. Just note that the best way to make out checks to the couple if you are giving them before the wedding is to HerFirst HerLast and HisFirst HisLast. It's very cute to give it to Mr. and Mrs. HisLast and all, but since this is not legally the bride's name yet, and she cannot put it on an account without a marriage license, this means that he is the only one who can legally deposit the check, which, depending on bank location and work schedules, may be incredibly annoying. (And yes, you can give cash, but you can not send it through the mail.)
Q: I got an invitation without a reply card. Should I just call up and say I'm coming?
A: Worst. Jewish. Custom. Ever. Unfortunately, nowadays, sending an invitation without a reply card is not always an error; it has, in fact, become the way that people "Chuppah" people, i.e. invite them to the smorgasboard, Chuppah, and first dance, but not for the meal. Essentially, this means that you get the pleasure of their company without paying for them, and they get to drag themselves out to wherever you're having your wedding only to awkwardly leave while everyone else is digging into their arugula.
Now, I'm not saying it's never OK to "Chuppah." If you feel you have a relationship with your friends' siblings, for example, it might be a really nice way to celebrate with them without making them sit through hours of dancing they don't want to be at anyway. Also, if they're not already invited, you may want to invite the parents of your bridesmaids and groomsmen, so they can see their lovely children walk down the aisle (especially since most of them probably subsidized their daughters' gowns!)
What I am saying is that there's a right way and a wrong way. Wrong way? Simply not enclosing a reply card. Most people don't know what this means, and they will just call you up and say "you forgot my reply card, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming!" AWKWARD! Right way? Send a card or make a phone call saying "I'm really sorry I can't have everyone I would like to have at my wedding, but I would love if you could join us for the Chuppah. It would really mean a lot to me to have you there when I walk down the aisle!" or some variation thereof. Being "Chuppahed" can feel like a slight; feeling like the bride or groom made a conscience decision to find some way to include you versus simply leaving a card out of your invitation turns that feeling on the flip side.
Should you get an invitation with no reply card and you're not sure what the intention was, just call up and explain your situation without saying "you made a mistake but don't worry, I'm coming." Allow for the chance it was intentional, and save everyone a little discomfort. If you're pretty sure it was intended as a "Chuppah only" invite, then let it go, and if it turns out you're wrong, then presumably someone will call you up and ask if you're coming in order to finalize the head count. Voila, problem solved!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Kosher Registry List
*Asterisks denote either "notes" or things I think are optional:
Dining *Note: Make sure you register for bowls separately if they don't come in a setting.
1. Everyday dairy dishes
2. Everyday dairy completer set
3. Everyday meat dishes
4. Everyday meat completer set
5. China, including platters, bowls, sugar bowl, creamer, gravy boat, etc.
6. Serving dishes (Think chips & dip, long narrow dishes for deli roll, large bowls for cholent, tureens for soup, salad bowls and servers, large trays for chicken, etc. Go through the things you're likely to serve and make sure you have both dairy and meat.)
7. Cake plates and servers
8. Glasses
9. Wine glasses
10. Dairy silverware
11. Dairy hostess set
12. Fleishig silverware
13. Fleishig hostess set
14. Mugs
Kitchen electrics *Note: Suggestions for two implies meat and dairy
1. Toaster/toaster oven
2. Crock pot
3. Food processor (you may also want a mini one for nightly dinners. Think cutting onions.)
4. Blender
5. Immersion blender (you may want two)
6. Kitchenaid mixer (you may want two mixing bowls & two sets of beaters)
7. Hand mixer (you may want two sets of beaters. Although, these aren't so necessary.)
8. Foreman grill (removable plates are the easiest to clean)
*Note: Waffle maker, panini press, popcorn maker etc. are all fun options, just take a minute to think about how often you'll use them and whether you'll really have room in your kitchen or if they're going to gather dust in your parents' basement.
9. Microwave (if your apartment doesn't already have one)
10. Coffee maker
11. Hot water urn
Food prep/kitchen utensils *Note: You may want to have some of these things in parve too
1. Mixing bowls (min. 2 sets)
2. Measuring cups & spoons - dry (you can prob get away with just one set since only liquid ingredients tend to have non-parve status, but you may want 2 just in case)
3. Measuring cups - wet (e.g. Pyrex)
4. Spatulas (min. 2)
5. Ladles (min. 2)
6. Mixing spoons (3)
7. Balloon whisk
8. Grater
9. Spaghetti server
10. Salad tongs/servers
11. Slotted spoons (2)
12. Vegetable peeler
13. Bottle opener
14. Can opener
15. Strainer/colander
16. Wooden cutting board
17. Plastic cutting board
18. Salad spinner
19. Brita filter
20. Skimmer
21. Meat tongs
22. Pastry brush
23. Rolling pin
24. Cruet (salad dressing bottle)
*25. Garlic press
*26. Meat tenderizer
*27. Microplane
28. Kitchen shears
*29. Apple corer
*30. Avocado slicer
31. Steak/carving knives
32. Steel fork
*33. Meat thermometer
34. Steamer basket
35. Salt and pepper shakers
36. Ice cream scoops (2)
Cooking *Note: Make sure pots and pans include stock pots, smaller pots, and frying pans. Pots are expensive, and people are probably less likely to buy individual ones for you whereas close family friends and/or family members may buy the expensive entire sets.
1. Fleishig pots and pans
2. Milchig pots and pans
3. Wok (maybe 2)
4. Grill pan
5. Broiler pan
6. Roaster
Baking *Note: You probably want to mix it up - metal, Pyrex, Corningware, etc. I think you should have a minimum of two of all baking pans except maybe springform, since these are primarily used for making cheesecake. And register for a couple of oven-to-table pieces, you'll be very glad you did.
1. 9x13
2. 8x8
3. Cookie sheet/jelly roll
4. Bundt pan
5. Springform pan
6. Muffin tin
7. Loaf pan
8. Round pan
*9. Mini muffin
10. Lasagna pan (oven to table)
Miscellaneous textiles/linens etc.
1. Apron
2. Oven mitts
3. Dish towels
4. Oven towels
5. Placemats (especially everyday)
6. Tablecloths (make sure the size and shape match your table--both sizes, if it expands)
*7. Cloth napkins
*8. Napkin rings
Home decor/cleaning
1. Picture frames (you will prob. want at least one 8x10 for a wedding photo)
2. Vases
3. Candy/potpourri dishes
4. Votives
5. Judaica (Bloomingdale's has some nice Lenox and Nambe items)
6. Iron
7. Ironing board
8. Vacuum/dust buster
9. Hamper
*10. Throw blanket
*11. Throw pillows
*12. Magazine rack
Bathroom
1. Towels (bath sheets, bath towels, hand towels)
2. Shower curtain
3. Curtain liner
4. Bath mat
5. Toothbrush holder
6. Wastebasket
7. Soap dish
8. Tumbler
9. Tissue box
Bedding
1. Mattress pads (if your mattress requires)
2. Pillows (4)
3. Fitted sheets (min. 2) (min. 2 twin, 1 king, if necessary for niddah)
*4. Flat sheets (min. 2) (min. 2 twin, 1 king, if necessary for niddah)
5. Comforter
*6. Duvet cover
*7. Second blanket (if necessary for niddah)
*8. Dust ruffle
*9. Accent pillows
10. Pillowcases (min. 4)
*Note: If you have a sleeper sofa, don't forget a set of bedding for it!
Dining *Note: Make sure you register for bowls separately if they don't come in a setting.
1. Everyday dairy dishes
2. Everyday dairy completer set
3. Everyday meat dishes
4. Everyday meat completer set
5. China, including platters, bowls, sugar bowl, creamer, gravy boat, etc.
6. Serving dishes (Think chips & dip, long narrow dishes for deli roll, large bowls for cholent, tureens for soup, salad bowls and servers, large trays for chicken, etc. Go through the things you're likely to serve and make sure you have both dairy and meat.)
7. Cake plates and servers
8. Glasses
9. Wine glasses
10. Dairy silverware
11. Dairy hostess set
12. Fleishig silverware
13. Fleishig hostess set
14. Mugs
Kitchen electrics *Note: Suggestions for two implies meat and dairy
1. Toaster/toaster oven
2. Crock pot
3. Food processor (you may also want a mini one for nightly dinners. Think cutting onions.)
4. Blender
5. Immersion blender (you may want two)
6. Kitchenaid mixer (you may want two mixing bowls & two sets of beaters)
7. Hand mixer (you may want two sets of beaters. Although, these aren't so necessary.)
8. Foreman grill (removable plates are the easiest to clean)
*Note: Waffle maker, panini press, popcorn maker etc. are all fun options, just take a minute to think about how often you'll use them and whether you'll really have room in your kitchen or if they're going to gather dust in your parents' basement.
9. Microwave (if your apartment doesn't already have one)
10. Coffee maker
11. Hot water urn
Food prep/kitchen utensils *Note: You may want to have some of these things in parve too
1. Mixing bowls (min. 2 sets)
2. Measuring cups & spoons - dry (you can prob get away with just one set since only liquid ingredients tend to have non-parve status, but you may want 2 just in case)
3. Measuring cups - wet (e.g. Pyrex)
4. Spatulas (min. 2)
5. Ladles (min. 2)
6. Mixing spoons (3)
7. Balloon whisk
8. Grater
9. Spaghetti server
10. Salad tongs/servers
11. Slotted spoons (2)
12. Vegetable peeler
13. Bottle opener
14. Can opener
15. Strainer/colander
16. Wooden cutting board
17. Plastic cutting board
18. Salad spinner
19. Brita filter
20. Skimmer
21. Meat tongs
22. Pastry brush
23. Rolling pin
24. Cruet (salad dressing bottle)
*25. Garlic press
*26. Meat tenderizer
*27. Microplane
28. Kitchen shears
*29. Apple corer
*30. Avocado slicer
31. Steak/carving knives
32. Steel fork
*33. Meat thermometer
34. Steamer basket
35. Salt and pepper shakers
36. Ice cream scoops (2)
Cooking *Note: Make sure pots and pans include stock pots, smaller pots, and frying pans. Pots are expensive, and people are probably less likely to buy individual ones for you whereas close family friends and/or family members may buy the expensive entire sets.
1. Fleishig pots and pans
2. Milchig pots and pans
3. Wok (maybe 2)
4. Grill pan
5. Broiler pan
6. Roaster
Baking *Note: You probably want to mix it up - metal, Pyrex, Corningware, etc. I think you should have a minimum of two of all baking pans except maybe springform, since these are primarily used for making cheesecake. And register for a couple of oven-to-table pieces, you'll be very glad you did.
1. 9x13
2. 8x8
3. Cookie sheet/jelly roll
4. Bundt pan
5. Springform pan
6. Muffin tin
7. Loaf pan
8. Round pan
*9. Mini muffin
10. Lasagna pan (oven to table)
Miscellaneous textiles/linens etc.
1. Apron
2. Oven mitts
3. Dish towels
4. Oven towels
5. Placemats (especially everyday)
6. Tablecloths (make sure the size and shape match your table--both sizes, if it expands)
*7. Cloth napkins
*8. Napkin rings
Home decor/cleaning
1. Picture frames (you will prob. want at least one 8x10 for a wedding photo)
2. Vases
3. Candy/potpourri dishes
4. Votives
5. Judaica (Bloomingdale's has some nice Lenox and Nambe items)
6. Iron
7. Ironing board
8. Vacuum/dust buster
9. Hamper
*10. Throw blanket
*11. Throw pillows
*12. Magazine rack
Bathroom
1. Towels (bath sheets, bath towels, hand towels)
2. Shower curtain
3. Curtain liner
4. Bath mat
5. Toothbrush holder
6. Wastebasket
7. Soap dish
8. Tumbler
9. Tissue box
Bedding
1. Mattress pads (if your mattress requires)
2. Pillows (4)
3. Fitted sheets (min. 2) (min. 2 twin, 1 king, if necessary for niddah)
*4. Flat sheets (min. 2) (min. 2 twin, 1 king, if necessary for niddah)
5. Comforter
*6. Duvet cover
*7. Second blanket (if necessary for niddah)
*8. Dust ruffle
*9. Accent pillows
10. Pillowcases (min. 4)
*Note: If you have a sleeper sofa, don't forget a set of bedding for it!
Keepin it Kosher
Sure, Jewish labels are annoying, but I've embraced "Modern Orthodox" with pride. Whether I emphasize the former or latter word...well, that may change by the day, but I essentially take it to be the umbrella generalization under which I operate and so anything I say in the realm of religious will, naturally, be adhering to such a standard, although that seems like a silly word to use. Anyway, I digress.
Naturally, registering, shopping, and preparing for a Kosher (in all senses of the word home) is quite a bit different from the rest of the world, particularly in three main areas:
1. Keeping a Kosher kitchen
a. Dairy, meat, and parve
b. Tovelling
c. Kashering your kitchen
2. Making your home "Shabbos-friendly"
3. The, uh, purity of the bedroom. Purity? Does that work? Do I just come out and say Niddah?
1a. And so, let's start with the most complicated - the kitchen. Now, because we're Jews, and we really dig making life complicated, we can overdo this one as much as we damn please. There's dairy, there's meat, there's parve, there's Pesach - you can get everyday and china for each one and actually justify having eight sets of dishes to yourself. But let's stick with the slightly more down-to-earth approach.
The bare minimum is two sets of everyday dishes - one dairy, one meat. However, most people like to add at least one set of china for meat, "to use for Shabbos," even though it will likely sit in your parents house for an extraordinary amount of time. (Case in point, my sister - eight years, has still never opened her box of Lenox "India.") Some do dairy china too, but unless you're a vegetarian or you plan on hosting many a Shavuos in your house, this is likely going to be a waste.
One thing some people do is to register for glass dishes, so they can have extra dishes usable for either kind of meal. (Not sure exactly what the Halakha is on this and if the lead percentage matters, so check it out before you do this.) Crate and Barrel's definitely got, and I think Bed Bath does too.
Flatware is the same - gotta have at least dairy and meat, add at will. Just stay abreast of the whole "two different forks necessary for meat and fish at the same meal" thing, but I think all settings come with little forks anyway.
Glasses and wine glasses go for both, obviously, but think about your teacup/mug situation - you don't really need both for both, as mug drinks (coffee, hot chocolate) tend to go with dairy, while tea usually goes with meat meals (like Friday night.) Of course, this isn't universal, and you don't need me to tell you to adjust at will.
One set each for pots and pans, and of course be aware of the rules like "parve foods cooked in a milchig pot can not be eaten with meat although they do not require the usual waiting period after," etc. You must also have baking pans for each, although I've heard different opinions on the Halakhic status of Pyrex, so check it out, because it's a great option and something you should have anyway. (Corningware, which is stoneware, is only one or the other.) When registering for baking pans etc., make sure to think of the recipes you're likely to make and what status they are, e.g. if you know you like to make carrot muffins for Shabbos, make sure you have as many fleishig muffin pans as you require to do so. Remember kugels, quiches, etc. etc.
You will probably end up buying just about all of your pans in both milchig and fleishig versions (just make sure you can easily distinguish) although some may be no-brainers. (I have no idea what one makes in a springform pan besides cheesecake so a fleishig one did not make the registry.
Same goes for kitchen utensils - remember ladles, mixing spoons (especially the wooden ones), and spatulas for both, while things that only touch vegetables require only one. The one thing that seems obvious but isn't? The ice cream scoop. Sharon's Sorbet is your friend, and using the same scoop you use on Ben & Jerry's is not gonna fly after the hearty Shabbos fare of cholent and deli roll. Oh yeah, and salad servers - remember that salads are NOT always parve (especially the good ones).
Kitchen electrics really depend on how gourmet you are and how varied your tastes are. I'm not much of a dairy eater, so one Foreman grill (with removable plates for easy washing!), one crock pot, and one immersion blender were enough for me, but if you're a little more open-minded, check out what extra accessories you can get, like extra beaters for a hand mixer or Kitchenaid so you can change for meat and dairy, and extra bowls for a Kitchenaid too. As for a microwave (which you should always wait until you see your apartment to register for, if possible, since a lot of them come with microwaves), Bed Bath sells these food covers for $3 each that may be worth your while (never used them, but we're registered for 3 - M, D, & P, of course!)
I don't really know the deal with kitchen textiles (oven mitts, etc.) and I don't know if you need different ones for dairy and meat. I'm thinking you're probably not gonna find that in my house.
Cutting boards are another thing to keep an eye out for - you probably want a wood one for meat and chicken and one that is used solely for vegetables. Bed Bath makes a set of four that seem great because they have pictures that remind you what each one is used for, but beware--the color on these rubs off onto surfaces and I would strongly advise against them.
Of course, separate sponges are necessary, and ones can even be purchased that say "dairy," "meat," and "parve" from most judaica stores and even Supersol, at least on the UWS. Also, the status-labeling stickers are highly recommended.
1b. Tovelling is supremely annoying - extra special thanks to B for suffering through it with me.
1c. Kashering your kitchen is supremely annoying - I find Easy Off repulsive.
For the Halakhot of both, according to my beloved alma mater, go to the site below:
http://www.nyu.edu/clubs/shalhevet/Tvila.htm
For the Halakhot of Tvila according to Kosher.com, go to the site below:
http://www.kashrut.com/articles/tevilas_keilim/
My personal research on the subjects has yielded the following information:
No tvila requirement is undisputed except for that of metal, which always needs to be tovelled, and always requires a bracha. Glass too always needs to be tovelled, but not everyone says it requires a bracha. To be on the safe side if you don't have someone to ask, just tovel something glass along with something metal.
It is also totally undisputed that plastic, stone (although I thought this meant stoneware and I seem to be finding conflicted opinions about that too), and rubber do not need to be tovelled. Wood seems like it obviously falls under this category, but I actually managed to find someone who thinks it needs to be tovelled, even though it so obviously doesn't fit in a list of things that can be melted down and reformed. Also, temporary things (aluminum tins, styrofoam) and things that don't touch food (e.g. bottle openers) don't need to be tovelled according to anyone.
Among the most disputed items are Corningware, china, and porcelain.
2. OK, enough of this, because I'm even boring myself and I just want to finish up and go to sleep. So, onto making the home Shabbos-friendly, which simply requires the following items:
A blech (a sheet of metal used to cover an open flame - in my house, we just use a "double griddle," available at Macy's) or a hot plate
A kosher lamp - totally optional but kind of awesome if you love reading but can't sleep with the light on. As far as I know, it's pretty universally Halakhically acceptable, and available at Judaica stores
Timers - you know what they are, just learn how to use them right
A hot water urn (available at Bed Bath) for serving hot drinks on Shabbos - just make sure you've got the "kli sheni" halakha down, if that's your thing. (Water-->vessel-->teacup, then add teabag)
And the little things, depending on your level of observance - tissues, 2-in-1 toothpaste, etc.
Of course, don't forget all the necessary house judaica - a mezuzah for each doorway (which will probably mean three for a 1BR apt. - entrance, kitchen, and bedroom), a washing cup, a havdalah candle, a challah board/cover/knife, a kiddush cup, candlesticks, at least one menorah, and a bencher collection that's at least as big as the largest number of guests you'd have for a shabbos meal.
3. It's getting late so I'll cut the modesty and just remind anyone who might be reading that I'm not making any judgments about what you need to do or should be doing - not only could I not care less, but there are a whole bunch of things I'm writing about that I probably won't do either. (I mention it now only because I think Niddah is a touchier issue than most.) I'm simply mentioning what you might want to register for or buy based on how you plan on keeping the halakhot mentioned in this post.
That said - Niddah. Ohhh the different opinions. I went into my kallah class thinking "whatever, I can do the two twin beds in a king frame thing." In fact, I left my kallah class still thinking that's what I wanted to do, but apparently your bed linen's not supposed to touch when you're in niddah. Whatever. Should you be doing the two separate beds thing, remember to register for both sheets that fit the individual mattresses, and, if you like, sheets that fit the entire bed, i.e. two twin sheets and a king sheet. Keep your mattress pads the size of the individual mattress though, and remember that duvet covers or designer comforters are expensive - registering for two $300 duvet covers so that you can each have one during the two weeks you're not sharing linen may be a bit excessive.
If you're not keeping everything in the same pattern (a lot of the designer sheets don't come in twin, so for example my twin sheets are $20 Bed Bath sheets while my king sheets are $100 Calvin Klein), you may want to make sure to have pillow cases that match each version of your sheets - for fashion reasons, nothing to do with niddah.
Also totally unrelated to niddah, if you're really into tempurpedic mattresses but can't afford them, try a mattress topper. My parents just put them on every mattress in my house and they're awesome. Just remember that if you're doing the separate beds thing for niddah, a king-sized topper is great for making two twin-mattresses feel like one bed but is a little heavy to remove every two weeks.
Umm, so that was a lot of halakha, which I totally didn't see coming. For those who couldn't bear to read this post, I don't blame you. I will post a "kosher registry list" separately and spare you the pain.
Naturally, registering, shopping, and preparing for a Kosher (in all senses of the word home) is quite a bit different from the rest of the world, particularly in three main areas:
1. Keeping a Kosher kitchen
a. Dairy, meat, and parve
b. Tovelling
c. Kashering your kitchen
2. Making your home "Shabbos-friendly"
3. The, uh, purity of the bedroom. Purity? Does that work? Do I just come out and say Niddah?
1a. And so, let's start with the most complicated - the kitchen. Now, because we're Jews, and we really dig making life complicated, we can overdo this one as much as we damn please. There's dairy, there's meat, there's parve, there's Pesach - you can get everyday and china for each one and actually justify having eight sets of dishes to yourself. But let's stick with the slightly more down-to-earth approach.
The bare minimum is two sets of everyday dishes - one dairy, one meat. However, most people like to add at least one set of china for meat, "to use for Shabbos," even though it will likely sit in your parents house for an extraordinary amount of time. (Case in point, my sister - eight years, has still never opened her box of Lenox "India.") Some do dairy china too, but unless you're a vegetarian or you plan on hosting many a Shavuos in your house, this is likely going to be a waste.
One thing some people do is to register for glass dishes, so they can have extra dishes usable for either kind of meal. (Not sure exactly what the Halakha is on this and if the lead percentage matters, so check it out before you do this.) Crate and Barrel's definitely got, and I think Bed Bath does too.
Flatware is the same - gotta have at least dairy and meat, add at will. Just stay abreast of the whole "two different forks necessary for meat and fish at the same meal" thing, but I think all settings come with little forks anyway.
Glasses and wine glasses go for both, obviously, but think about your teacup/mug situation - you don't really need both for both, as mug drinks (coffee, hot chocolate) tend to go with dairy, while tea usually goes with meat meals (like Friday night.) Of course, this isn't universal, and you don't need me to tell you to adjust at will.
One set each for pots and pans, and of course be aware of the rules like "parve foods cooked in a milchig pot can not be eaten with meat although they do not require the usual waiting period after," etc. You must also have baking pans for each, although I've heard different opinions on the Halakhic status of Pyrex, so check it out, because it's a great option and something you should have anyway. (Corningware, which is stoneware, is only one or the other.) When registering for baking pans etc., make sure to think of the recipes you're likely to make and what status they are, e.g. if you know you like to make carrot muffins for Shabbos, make sure you have as many fleishig muffin pans as you require to do so. Remember kugels, quiches, etc. etc.
You will probably end up buying just about all of your pans in both milchig and fleishig versions (just make sure you can easily distinguish) although some may be no-brainers. (I have no idea what one makes in a springform pan besides cheesecake so a fleishig one did not make the registry.
Same goes for kitchen utensils - remember ladles, mixing spoons (especially the wooden ones), and spatulas for both, while things that only touch vegetables require only one. The one thing that seems obvious but isn't? The ice cream scoop. Sharon's Sorbet is your friend, and using the same scoop you use on Ben & Jerry's is not gonna fly after the hearty Shabbos fare of cholent and deli roll. Oh yeah, and salad servers - remember that salads are NOT always parve (especially the good ones).
Kitchen electrics really depend on how gourmet you are and how varied your tastes are. I'm not much of a dairy eater, so one Foreman grill (with removable plates for easy washing!), one crock pot, and one immersion blender were enough for me, but if you're a little more open-minded, check out what extra accessories you can get, like extra beaters for a hand mixer or Kitchenaid so you can change for meat and dairy, and extra bowls for a Kitchenaid too. As for a microwave (which you should always wait until you see your apartment to register for, if possible, since a lot of them come with microwaves), Bed Bath sells these food covers for $3 each that may be worth your while (never used them, but we're registered for 3 - M, D, & P, of course!)
I don't really know the deal with kitchen textiles (oven mitts, etc.) and I don't know if you need different ones for dairy and meat. I'm thinking you're probably not gonna find that in my house.
Cutting boards are another thing to keep an eye out for - you probably want a wood one for meat and chicken and one that is used solely for vegetables. Bed Bath makes a set of four that seem great because they have pictures that remind you what each one is used for, but beware--the color on these rubs off onto surfaces and I would strongly advise against them.
Of course, separate sponges are necessary, and ones can even be purchased that say "dairy," "meat," and "parve" from most judaica stores and even Supersol, at least on the UWS. Also, the status-labeling stickers are highly recommended.
1b. Tovelling is supremely annoying - extra special thanks to B for suffering through it with me.
1c. Kashering your kitchen is supremely annoying - I find Easy Off repulsive.
For the Halakhot of both, according to my beloved alma mater, go to the site below:
http://www.nyu.edu/clubs/shalhevet/Tvila.htm
For the Halakhot of Tvila according to Kosher.com, go to the site below:
http://www.kashrut.com/articles/tevilas_keilim/
My personal research on the subjects has yielded the following information:
No tvila requirement is undisputed except for that of metal, which always needs to be tovelled, and always requires a bracha. Glass too always needs to be tovelled, but not everyone says it requires a bracha. To be on the safe side if you don't have someone to ask, just tovel something glass along with something metal.
It is also totally undisputed that plastic, stone (although I thought this meant stoneware and I seem to be finding conflicted opinions about that too), and rubber do not need to be tovelled. Wood seems like it obviously falls under this category, but I actually managed to find someone who thinks it needs to be tovelled, even though it so obviously doesn't fit in a list of things that can be melted down and reformed. Also, temporary things (aluminum tins, styrofoam) and things that don't touch food (e.g. bottle openers) don't need to be tovelled according to anyone.
Among the most disputed items are Corningware, china, and porcelain.
2. OK, enough of this, because I'm even boring myself and I just want to finish up and go to sleep. So, onto making the home Shabbos-friendly, which simply requires the following items:
A blech (a sheet of metal used to cover an open flame - in my house, we just use a "double griddle," available at Macy's) or a hot plate
A kosher lamp - totally optional but kind of awesome if you love reading but can't sleep with the light on. As far as I know, it's pretty universally Halakhically acceptable, and available at Judaica stores
Timers - you know what they are, just learn how to use them right
A hot water urn (available at Bed Bath) for serving hot drinks on Shabbos - just make sure you've got the "kli sheni" halakha down, if that's your thing. (Water-->vessel-->teacup, then add teabag)
And the little things, depending on your level of observance - tissues, 2-in-1 toothpaste, etc.
Of course, don't forget all the necessary house judaica - a mezuzah for each doorway (which will probably mean three for a 1BR apt. - entrance, kitchen, and bedroom), a washing cup, a havdalah candle, a challah board/cover/knife, a kiddush cup, candlesticks, at least one menorah, and a bencher collection that's at least as big as the largest number of guests you'd have for a shabbos meal.
3. It's getting late so I'll cut the modesty and just remind anyone who might be reading that I'm not making any judgments about what you need to do or should be doing - not only could I not care less, but there are a whole bunch of things I'm writing about that I probably won't do either. (I mention it now only because I think Niddah is a touchier issue than most.) I'm simply mentioning what you might want to register for or buy based on how you plan on keeping the halakhot mentioned in this post.
That said - Niddah. Ohhh the different opinions. I went into my kallah class thinking "whatever, I can do the two twin beds in a king frame thing." In fact, I left my kallah class still thinking that's what I wanted to do, but apparently your bed linen's not supposed to touch when you're in niddah. Whatever. Should you be doing the two separate beds thing, remember to register for both sheets that fit the individual mattresses, and, if you like, sheets that fit the entire bed, i.e. two twin sheets and a king sheet. Keep your mattress pads the size of the individual mattress though, and remember that duvet covers or designer comforters are expensive - registering for two $300 duvet covers so that you can each have one during the two weeks you're not sharing linen may be a bit excessive.
If you're not keeping everything in the same pattern (a lot of the designer sheets don't come in twin, so for example my twin sheets are $20 Bed Bath sheets while my king sheets are $100 Calvin Klein), you may want to make sure to have pillow cases that match each version of your sheets - for fashion reasons, nothing to do with niddah.
Also totally unrelated to niddah, if you're really into tempurpedic mattresses but can't afford them, try a mattress topper. My parents just put them on every mattress in my house and they're awesome. Just remember that if you're doing the separate beds thing for niddah, a king-sized topper is great for making two twin-mattresses feel like one bed but is a little heavy to remove every two weeks.
Umm, so that was a lot of halakha, which I totally didn't see coming. For those who couldn't bear to read this post, I don't blame you. I will post a "kosher registry list" separately and spare you the pain.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Feel better about it all
I took a couple of classes in NYU with this girl Lindsay, who for some reason was obsessed with wedding websites. She got me hooked on this website (no, not CalmKallahs - that was introduced to me by Ian Lieberman) that has a whole section for complaining called - you guessed it - Kvetch. I was reading it tonight and laughing so hard that this post is dedicated to making yourself feel better about anything that goes wrong in your own wedding planning.
Written by a Matron of Honor regarding her bridezilla:
"She has told me (told, not asked) that I am making a toast, leading the guests in the hokey pokey, going with her to all tastings and to look at limos (do people really do this?), wearing a dress she picked, planning a bachelorette party in another state (in addition to the bridal shower), planning a wedding shower at work (we work in the same place), being her "food runner" (as in I go to the buffet table and fill up plates for her and her husband), and my husband (who is not in the wedding) must go to the site early to set up."
Response from one of the posters:
"My future husband and I really want to prank our wedding party, because he is the King of Pranks. I think I will suggest to him that we ask one of them to lead our guests in the hokey pokey or to be our food runner, just to see if they would actually do it. My guess is they would tell us to go fuck ourselves."
From a future bride keeping her last name:
"I was on the phone with our new landlord recently, and she'd wondered if she'd spelled our names correctly. So I spelled my name for her, and then I spelled my future husband's name for her, and I said 'and it'll be the same after we get married.' I meant that neither of us was changing our name, but she said 'oh, so I can just call you YourFirst HisLast?' ...I realized that she thought that when I said our names would be the same, I meant that we would have the same name after we were married. Now I'm annoyed with her for assuming that the same last name automatically means HIS last name, and annoying with myself for not being clearer and standing up for myself when she was confused. Now I have to put up with her calling me MyFirst HisLast and I won't dare to correct her because I'm a spineless freak."
Response from me:
Seriously? You're annoyed at this woman because you were totally unclear and she assumed that the social convention that's held for hundreds of years was - gasp! - still holding true when that's what you strongly implied? That bitch! But then, it is really hard to say, "oh, no, I meant that we would each be keeping our own names." That's tough, I totally understand what you're scared of. I'd hold you close and comfort you if I could.
Post entitled "Money Tree and Dollar Dance":
"Until recently, I wasn't even aware that either the money tree or the dollar dance existed. Since my fiance and I are VERY broke and having an informal wedding, friends have been telling me that it is okay to do both. The dollar dance for tradition, and then a small money tree placed in a nonchalant place for those who don't wish to dance. It seems to me that both of these are in very bad taste, and I don't want to seem greedy, but we don't even know how we are paying for our planned honeymoon yet (the wedding is sept. 17th) and anything extra would be a huge help. As I said, I don't want to come off as greedy (I already committed one faux paux by putting the registries in the invitations which I didn't know we weren't supposed to do until it was too late) but part of me thinks that anyone that knows us well enough to be at our wedding should know that we are just young and struggling, not trying to take advantage. Maybe it would help to leave a note with the money tree? Or maybe no note at all? ARGGRGRGRGHHH I am starting to get REALLY FREAKIN STRESSED OUT NOW!!!!
Response from me:
I can't believe these things exist. That is absurd. Also, I fixed all the typos but "faux paux," because that was too damn funny. This is what happens when you mix "French" and "rednecks."
Well, I feel better!
Written by a Matron of Honor regarding her bridezilla:
"She has told me (told, not asked) that I am making a toast, leading the guests in the hokey pokey, going with her to all tastings and to look at limos (do people really do this?), wearing a dress she picked, planning a bachelorette party in another state (in addition to the bridal shower), planning a wedding shower at work (we work in the same place), being her "food runner" (as in I go to the buffet table and fill up plates for her and her husband), and my husband (who is not in the wedding) must go to the site early to set up."
Response from one of the posters:
"My future husband and I really want to prank our wedding party, because he is the King of Pranks. I think I will suggest to him that we ask one of them to lead our guests in the hokey pokey or to be our food runner, just to see if they would actually do it. My guess is they would tell us to go fuck ourselves."
From a future bride keeping her last name:
"I was on the phone with our new landlord recently, and she'd wondered if she'd spelled our names correctly. So I spelled my name for her, and then I spelled my future husband's name for her, and I said 'and it'll be the same after we get married.' I meant that neither of us was changing our name, but she said 'oh, so I can just call you YourFirst HisLast?' ...I realized that she thought that when I said our names would be the same, I meant that we would have the same name after we were married. Now I'm annoyed with her for assuming that the same last name automatically means HIS last name, and annoying with myself for not being clearer and standing up for myself when she was confused. Now I have to put up with her calling me MyFirst HisLast and I won't dare to correct her because I'm a spineless freak."
Response from me:
Seriously? You're annoyed at this woman because you were totally unclear and she assumed that the social convention that's held for hundreds of years was - gasp! - still holding true when that's what you strongly implied? That bitch! But then, it is really hard to say, "oh, no, I meant that we would each be keeping our own names." That's tough, I totally understand what you're scared of. I'd hold you close and comfort you if I could.
Post entitled "Money Tree and Dollar Dance":
"Until recently, I wasn't even aware that either the money tree or the dollar dance existed. Since my fiance and I are VERY broke and having an informal wedding, friends have been telling me that it is okay to do both. The dollar dance for tradition, and then a small money tree placed in a nonchalant place for those who don't wish to dance. It seems to me that both of these are in very bad taste, and I don't want to seem greedy, but we don't even know how we are paying for our planned honeymoon yet (the wedding is sept. 17th) and anything extra would be a huge help. As I said, I don't want to come off as greedy (I already committed one faux paux by putting the registries in the invitations which I didn't know we weren't supposed to do until it was too late) but part of me thinks that anyone that knows us well enough to be at our wedding should know that we are just young and struggling, not trying to take advantage. Maybe it would help to leave a note with the money tree? Or maybe no note at all? ARGGRGRGRGHHH I am starting to get REALLY FREAKIN STRESSED OUT NOW!!!!
Response from me:
I can't believe these things exist. That is absurd. Also, I fixed all the typos but "faux paux," because that was too damn funny. This is what happens when you mix "French" and "rednecks."
Well, I feel better!
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
They say we're good with money!
Weddings cost a ridiculous amount of money. If you don't know this, you may not be ready to get married. Things cost money that you don't even think about - with the thousands going to halls, caterers, the band, photographers, and florists, who thinks about the thousands going to bridesmaid fabric, invitations, postage, and accessories?
Saving money is, unquestionably, awesome. However, there are definitely right and wrong ways to do it. Figure out what your top priorities are and aren't, and allot your budget accordingly. Just remember that some things are never OK as far as budget-cutting goes. Par example:
Good plan: Sending reply postcards instead of cards/envelopes (saves on postage).
Bad plan: Sending reply envelopes without stamps - envelopes must be S.A.S.E.s
Good plan: Keeping flower arrangements simple and staying away from the more expensive flowers like orchids.
Bad plan: Two words - fake flowers.
Good plan: Keeping your guest list at the essentials ("no-ringy, no-bringy" is a popular option).
Bad plan: Cutting essentials, like immediate family members or fiance(e)s of friends.
Good plan: Skipping programs or yarmulkes
Bad plan: Skipping benchers (although the foldy laminated kind's gotta be cheaper, and they were good enough for my bat-mitzvah!)
And 10 more tips...
1. Consider having only one videographer - is four hours of dancing that interesting that you want to watch it twice?
2. If dress isn't your top priority, try going cheaper first. Some options? RK Bridal in the garment district (be sure to ask which dresses can be built up) and David's Bridal (dresses are incredibly cheap but you may need to buy two in order to have the fabric to build it up - buy one size smaller than your dress size in case you lose weight, as every bride but me seems to do!)
3. City hotels are outrageously expensive - like $600 minimum a night expensive. Save money on the wedding night by finding someplace lovely in the suburbs.
4. Giving bridesmaids fabric can be expensive, depending on the fabric and the number of maids. If you're not too picky, you can pick a color and ask all your bridesmaids to find dresses in it. (Give a swatch of the shade you'd like them to match for optimal results. And don't give something impossible, like "turquoise." If you're not OK with "pink" or "blue," there's a good chance your bridesmaids are going to have buy fabric AND pay for a dress, which is too much to ask unless you're planning on reimbursing them somewhat.) You can also choose a dress and ask them all to buy it, but it should not exceed $300 including alterations, and it's difficult enough to find a dress with sleeves that this is a tough option if they're a necessity.) It's also totally acceptable to have groomsmen pay for their own vest/tie/whatever rental. It's under 20 bucks each at Men's Wearhouse.
5. BORROW. Turns out, people are thrilled to lend tiaras, veils, and sometimes even dresses. Cheaper tiaras can still run about a hundred bucks, veils two hundred, and dresses are insane, so whatever you can borrow can be a huge help. Just make sure to try it all together before the big day.
6. E-vites are your friend. OK, they're still a little questionable for weddings, but for engagement parties, showers, and bachelor(ette) parties, they're wonderful - saves on invitations and postage!
7. It seems everything is cheap and wonderful in Brooklyn, but you've gotta ask someone who knows better. I just couldn't do it.
8. Got an artistic friend you might be able to squeeze a free monogram out of? Do you not see where I'm going with this?
9. If you're a morning person (which I'm totally not), consider a daytime wedding. Often places will charge you less because it means they can squeeze in a second wedding that evening. And, as you will quickly learn, a weekday wedding is the easiest way to save money - there is a tremendous cost difference between weekday and Sunday weddings. Just make sure you're not going to be missing half your wedding thanks to rush hour. No-work days (or no work tomorrow days) are the best options in my opinion, e.g. New Year's, Memorial Day, erev Thanksgiving (but NOT Thanksgiving day. Sorry but I think it's terrible when people plan weddings on family holidays, especially Thanksgiving.) Also, I know Tuesdays are the most popular because of the whole "Ki Tov" thing, but I just like Thursdays better, especially in the summer when Fridays at work tend to be casual.
10. Chicken instead of beef. Wine instead of liquor. No sushi instead of yes sushi. It all helps!
Saving money is, unquestionably, awesome. However, there are definitely right and wrong ways to do it. Figure out what your top priorities are and aren't, and allot your budget accordingly. Just remember that some things are never OK as far as budget-cutting goes. Par example:
Good plan: Sending reply postcards instead of cards/envelopes (saves on postage).
Bad plan: Sending reply envelopes without stamps - envelopes must be S.A.S.E.s
Good plan: Keeping flower arrangements simple and staying away from the more expensive flowers like orchids.
Bad plan: Two words - fake flowers.
Good plan: Keeping your guest list at the essentials ("no-ringy, no-bringy" is a popular option).
Bad plan: Cutting essentials, like immediate family members or fiance(e)s of friends.
Good plan: Skipping programs or yarmulkes
Bad plan: Skipping benchers (although the foldy laminated kind's gotta be cheaper, and they were good enough for my bat-mitzvah!)
And 10 more tips...
1. Consider having only one videographer - is four hours of dancing that interesting that you want to watch it twice?
2. If dress isn't your top priority, try going cheaper first. Some options? RK Bridal in the garment district (be sure to ask which dresses can be built up) and David's Bridal (dresses are incredibly cheap but you may need to buy two in order to have the fabric to build it up - buy one size smaller than your dress size in case you lose weight, as every bride but me seems to do!)
3. City hotels are outrageously expensive - like $600 minimum a night expensive. Save money on the wedding night by finding someplace lovely in the suburbs.
4. Giving bridesmaids fabric can be expensive, depending on the fabric and the number of maids. If you're not too picky, you can pick a color and ask all your bridesmaids to find dresses in it. (Give a swatch of the shade you'd like them to match for optimal results. And don't give something impossible, like "turquoise." If you're not OK with "pink" or "blue," there's a good chance your bridesmaids are going to have buy fabric AND pay for a dress, which is too much to ask unless you're planning on reimbursing them somewhat.) You can also choose a dress and ask them all to buy it, but it should not exceed $300 including alterations, and it's difficult enough to find a dress with sleeves that this is a tough option if they're a necessity.) It's also totally acceptable to have groomsmen pay for their own vest/tie/whatever rental. It's under 20 bucks each at Men's Wearhouse.
5. BORROW. Turns out, people are thrilled to lend tiaras, veils, and sometimes even dresses. Cheaper tiaras can still run about a hundred bucks, veils two hundred, and dresses are insane, so whatever you can borrow can be a huge help. Just make sure to try it all together before the big day.
6. E-vites are your friend. OK, they're still a little questionable for weddings, but for engagement parties, showers, and bachelor(ette) parties, they're wonderful - saves on invitations and postage!
7. It seems everything is cheap and wonderful in Brooklyn, but you've gotta ask someone who knows better. I just couldn't do it.
8. Got an artistic friend you might be able to squeeze a free monogram out of? Do you not see where I'm going with this?
9. If you're a morning person (which I'm totally not), consider a daytime wedding. Often places will charge you less because it means they can squeeze in a second wedding that evening. And, as you will quickly learn, a weekday wedding is the easiest way to save money - there is a tremendous cost difference between weekday and Sunday weddings. Just make sure you're not going to be missing half your wedding thanks to rush hour. No-work days (or no work tomorrow days) are the best options in my opinion, e.g. New Year's, Memorial Day, erev Thanksgiving (but NOT Thanksgiving day. Sorry but I think it's terrible when people plan weddings on family holidays, especially Thanksgiving.) Also, I know Tuesdays are the most popular because of the whole "Ki Tov" thing, but I just like Thursdays better, especially in the summer when Fridays at work tend to be casual.
10. Chicken instead of beef. Wine instead of liquor. No sushi instead of yes sushi. It all helps!
Le grand question
Weddings are difficult. The perfect time, the planning, the dress, etc. - all of it is tough, but perhaps no single wedding issue is as prickly as the guest list. (Although my parents and in-laws get along - for those whose parents don't, I suppose anything can arise as the prickliest issue.) I don't know if there's a legit real answer to "Who do I invite?" so all I can offer is, as always, my opinion on the matter. Of course, if you don't have a limit (how nice for you), you can always just err on the safe side, but for those of us given a max, here's how I've arranged it in order of priority:
Priority 1: The absolute musts of the guest list - bridesmaids, groomsmen, their husbands/wives/fiance(e)s, eidim, and couples you are unquestionably still friends with who invited both of you to their wedding whether or not you were engaged at the time.
Priority 2: It's more like priority 1b - the obvious good friends, whoever your roommate was when you got engaged, serious boy/girlfriends of your groomsmen and bridesmaids (no, you don't have to, but it's a nice way to show your appreciation for everything they do for you, and also make them not hate you), couples you are unquestionably still friends with who invited one of you.
Priority 3: Any friend whose presence you know will enhance your wedding in some way (think old high school friends you don't really talk to anymore but love seeing, old chavrusas, friends who are generally mesameach chatan v'kallah, people who have generally spent a lot of time with you as a couple), boy/girlfriends of good friends whose weddings you're pretty sure you'll end up at, anyone you lived with while you were dating your current fiance(e), and yeah, sometimes you just invite someone because you invited every single one of their friends. It's not a must, but if you've got the space, it can't hurt. If you don't, don't stress - how much fun are they really gonna have at your wedding anyway?
Also, admittedly, I let certain things influence my decisions. Calling when we got engaged was pretty key, or at least texting/IMing/facebook posting. Coming to our engagement party was a major bonus. In general, it's just nice when people care that you got engaged, which sort of translates into "our union is meaningful to you," which in turn translates into "you care that we're getting married," followed by "since you care more than others obviously do, I will invite you and not those others."
Probably the biggest question about inviting is "Do I have to invite everyone who invited me?" I used to think that the answer was a resounding YES, but I'm over it. Frankly, there are some people I haven't spoken to since their weddings, which means that at no point in the 9 months I've been engaged have they even acknowledged it. Does that make them bad people? Not at all. But do I care if they're at my wedding? Not at all.
Oh, and to address another question I've been asked - no, you may not split up an engaged or married couple, even if you think your friend chose really, really poorly. You will never find anyone who thinks this is acceptable.
*Note: On the other end, if you're invited as a couple and your significant other has no interest in going, don't force them unless you really don't have friends. They won't have fun, and you're forcing someone to pay a lot of money for them even though no one actually cares if they're there but you.
Major nota bene: The head count can be changed up until a couple of days before the wedding, so ALWAYS let the couple of know if for some reason you can't make it to the wedding. Barring a major emergency or the like, there's almost no faux pas worse than responding yes to a wedding and simply not showing up.
Oh yeah, and RSVP!
Priority 1: The absolute musts of the guest list - bridesmaids, groomsmen, their husbands/wives/fiance(e)s, eidim, and couples you are unquestionably still friends with who invited both of you to their wedding whether or not you were engaged at the time.
Priority 2: It's more like priority 1b - the obvious good friends, whoever your roommate was when you got engaged, serious boy/girlfriends of your groomsmen and bridesmaids (no, you don't have to, but it's a nice way to show your appreciation for everything they do for you, and also make them not hate you), couples you are unquestionably still friends with who invited one of you.
Priority 3: Any friend whose presence you know will enhance your wedding in some way (think old high school friends you don't really talk to anymore but love seeing, old chavrusas, friends who are generally mesameach chatan v'kallah, people who have generally spent a lot of time with you as a couple), boy/girlfriends of good friends whose weddings you're pretty sure you'll end up at, anyone you lived with while you were dating your current fiance(e), and yeah, sometimes you just invite someone because you invited every single one of their friends. It's not a must, but if you've got the space, it can't hurt. If you don't, don't stress - how much fun are they really gonna have at your wedding anyway?
Also, admittedly, I let certain things influence my decisions. Calling when we got engaged was pretty key, or at least texting/IMing/facebook posting. Coming to our engagement party was a major bonus. In general, it's just nice when people care that you got engaged, which sort of translates into "our union is meaningful to you," which in turn translates into "you care that we're getting married," followed by "since you care more than others obviously do, I will invite you and not those others."
Probably the biggest question about inviting is "Do I have to invite everyone who invited me?" I used to think that the answer was a resounding YES, but I'm over it. Frankly, there are some people I haven't spoken to since their weddings, which means that at no point in the 9 months I've been engaged have they even acknowledged it. Does that make them bad people? Not at all. But do I care if they're at my wedding? Not at all.
Oh, and to address another question I've been asked - no, you may not split up an engaged or married couple, even if you think your friend chose really, really poorly. You will never find anyone who thinks this is acceptable.
*Note: On the other end, if you're invited as a couple and your significant other has no interest in going, don't force them unless you really don't have friends. They won't have fun, and you're forcing someone to pay a lot of money for them even though no one actually cares if they're there but you.
Major nota bene: The head count can be changed up until a couple of days before the wedding, so ALWAYS let the couple of know if for some reason you can't make it to the wedding. Barring a major emergency or the like, there's almost no faux pas worse than responding yes to a wedding and simply not showing up.
Oh yeah, and RSVP!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
My, how convenient!
Some people say that you should only register in a couple of stores, but frankly, I don't really understand the logic. I registered everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. My thinking is as such: not everyone buys online, and not every neighborhood has every store. Isn't it easier for everyone if I just give as many options as possible? And so I did.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I did not actually go to seven stores. In fact, I only went to two. That's where the beauty of online registering comes in. Now you may say "but I need to see what I'm registering for!" but frankly, some stuff is just safe. In fact, if you know it's going to be a while before you can register, or you simply want to cut down on your time in the store, here are some suggestions for things you don't really need to see:
1. A George Foreman grill
2. A Kitchenaid mixer
3. Oxo kitchen utensils (there's a reason everyone registers for them)
4. Baking pans (you may want to check in the description that they're non-stick or something, but whatever you're getting is probably fine)
5. Pyrex anything (just check out what comes with the set - you may realize the larger sets have things you'll never use)
6. Corningware anything (see Pyrex)
7. Brita pitchers and spare filters (you've seen 'em before, haven't you?)
8. Anything you've already seen in someone else's home and decided you liked
If you are narrowing down your locations, Bed Bath and Beyond is an obvious must - they have every category of everything you might need, plus they send out coupons for in-store purchases all the time. I've heard conflicting things as to whether or not you can still return for cash, so if anyone's got an update...
A lot of people like to register at Bloomingdale's, which is fine if you have expensive taste, but it's not always so easy for your friends to buy from there, and many of the things can be found at other stores. I personally feel like my Bloomingdale's registry was a waste of time. I find Macy's more worthwhile, plus they have some cash back thing I don't really understand but it can't hurt. Also, their home stuff goes on sale ALL the time, and often the prices go down and stay there.
For dishes and flatware, Fortunoff has a great selection and usually the lowest prices. (Note: once you pick patterns for your china, flatware, and/or crystal, do some comparison shopping, and make sure Fortunoff is included. Sometimes certain patters will just be flat out lower at one store than the others.) Crate and Barrel is great if you're tastes run from simple to Bohemian - lots of options for plain white dishes (something to consider since you can always switch up the look with varied tablecloths/placemats) and more natural, earthy designs. Lots of good options for tableware.
If you're of the culinarily-inclined persuasion, I suppose Williams-Sonoma is a must, although it's also rather expensive. But hey, we all have to prioritize. As for Tiffany, there are two ways to look at it. It is a fact that there are some people who only like to buy from Tiffany. As such, you can either choose to register there whether you want to or not, and ensure that if someone buys for you from there, at least it's something you like, or you can pass on registering there and hope they'll go elsewhere. I did the former, and I got four gifts from Tiffany, so I'm glad I did. However, since Tiffany gifts are lovely but weren't my top priority, I made sure the icon wasn't featured on WeddingChannel, so only those who were already going to Tiffany would shop there.
And then there's Amazon.com, which has thus far proven totally unsuccessful for us but is a nice way to register for some more unconventional (but not necessarily unnecessary!) gifts, such as cookbooks. Kosher Pallette, Kosher by Design...they're all there!
And a general tip when registering (besides not to bring the guy if you can help it)? Check out other people's registries online at www.bedbathandbeyond.com and www.weddingchannel.com. It's a good way to see what you might have missed, or to just copy someone else's choices who might have done the research if you're too lazy or unable to go yourself. Happy hunting!
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I did not actually go to seven stores. In fact, I only went to two. That's where the beauty of online registering comes in. Now you may say "but I need to see what I'm registering for!" but frankly, some stuff is just safe. In fact, if you know it's going to be a while before you can register, or you simply want to cut down on your time in the store, here are some suggestions for things you don't really need to see:
1. A George Foreman grill
2. A Kitchenaid mixer
3. Oxo kitchen utensils (there's a reason everyone registers for them)
4. Baking pans (you may want to check in the description that they're non-stick or something, but whatever you're getting is probably fine)
5. Pyrex anything (just check out what comes with the set - you may realize the larger sets have things you'll never use)
6. Corningware anything (see Pyrex)
7. Brita pitchers and spare filters (you've seen 'em before, haven't you?)
8. Anything you've already seen in someone else's home and decided you liked
If you are narrowing down your locations, Bed Bath and Beyond is an obvious must - they have every category of everything you might need, plus they send out coupons for in-store purchases all the time. I've heard conflicting things as to whether or not you can still return for cash, so if anyone's got an update...
A lot of people like to register at Bloomingdale's, which is fine if you have expensive taste, but it's not always so easy for your friends to buy from there, and many of the things can be found at other stores. I personally feel like my Bloomingdale's registry was a waste of time. I find Macy's more worthwhile, plus they have some cash back thing I don't really understand but it can't hurt. Also, their home stuff goes on sale ALL the time, and often the prices go down and stay there.
For dishes and flatware, Fortunoff has a great selection and usually the lowest prices. (Note: once you pick patterns for your china, flatware, and/or crystal, do some comparison shopping, and make sure Fortunoff is included. Sometimes certain patters will just be flat out lower at one store than the others.) Crate and Barrel is great if you're tastes run from simple to Bohemian - lots of options for plain white dishes (something to consider since you can always switch up the look with varied tablecloths/placemats) and more natural, earthy designs. Lots of good options for tableware.
If you're of the culinarily-inclined persuasion, I suppose Williams-Sonoma is a must, although it's also rather expensive. But hey, we all have to prioritize. As for Tiffany, there are two ways to look at it. It is a fact that there are some people who only like to buy from Tiffany. As such, you can either choose to register there whether you want to or not, and ensure that if someone buys for you from there, at least it's something you like, or you can pass on registering there and hope they'll go elsewhere. I did the former, and I got four gifts from Tiffany, so I'm glad I did. However, since Tiffany gifts are lovely but weren't my top priority, I made sure the icon wasn't featured on WeddingChannel, so only those who were already going to Tiffany would shop there.
And then there's Amazon.com, which has thus far proven totally unsuccessful for us but is a nice way to register for some more unconventional (but not necessarily unnecessary!) gifts, such as cookbooks. Kosher Pallette, Kosher by Design...they're all there!
And a general tip when registering (besides not to bring the guy if you can help it)? Check out other people's registries online at www.bedbathandbeyond.com and www.weddingchannel.com. It's a good way to see what you might have missed, or to just copy someone else's choices who might have done the research if you're too lazy or unable to go yourself. Happy hunting!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
No, it really IS better to receive
Ah, registries. To me, the most scientific and calculated part of wedding planning, on both ends. How to best increase your chances of getting what you want? How to choose a gift the couple "really needs"? Really, it's all a cycle, and the biggest mistake people make is not understanding how the other half thinks.
For example, a couple registers for something thinking they really need it, and a gift-buyer thinks "that alone is a crappy present." Like what, you ask? Like single pots. Like individual kitchen utensils. Like open stock dishes. People do not like buying these presents. They like SETS. They like feeling like they're contributing something significant to your lives. Never mind that you would use that pot every day. It still feels like "just a pot." To quote my dear friend B, "what do you say? 'Thanks for the pot'? Haha."
Sets are your friend. Pots come in sets, and yes, those kitchen necessities like spatulas and slotted spoons, those come in sets too. If you like those bed-in-a-bag things, that's awesome. Who wouldn't rather get someone their entire set of bedding than chipping with six people for a duvet cover? Just look carefully at what a set includes - I don't believe they usually include ladles, for example, so make sure you add those separately and hope you invited one of those people that like to buy all the little kitchen things (or who do so as a result of last minute scrambling when everything else on your registry has been purchased.)
And speaking of noticing what sets do NOT include, please note that 5-piece china settings generally do NOT include bowls, which must be registered for separately. However, I believe Michael C. Fina (www.michaelcfina.com) offers some settings in 6-piece too. The greatest thing is when stores like Fortunoff (which has just about every china pattern ever made) have a special sale where a bowl comes free with the setting. In fact, my very brilliant friend who was recently married actually returned the settings she'd received without bowls during one of these sales and got back settings with bowls instead. This, my friends, is sheer genius.
Another tip to help you get what you want? Make sure you have a number of gifts available in every price range, keeping in mind the general spending habits of wedding guests in our general circle, which, as far as I can tell, are as follows:
Engagement gifts: Vary greatly, anyway from around $20 from peers to hundreds from relatives. Try to have a few $20-30 gifts for friends, and some $50-75 for the average adult couple. People who want to spend more will always find something from your registry and don't really need to be planned for.
Shower gifts: Almost uniformly $25, give or take five bucks here or there. Lingerie has a way of being more expensive, but then, there's no registering for that. (Although bear in mind that you can register for a shower at Sephora (www.Sephora.com).
Wedding gifts: These also vary greatly, of course, but again, just going with what I've seen the past few years. These are the most important to ensure you have an abundance of on your registry, as this is the class of gifts most likely to be purchased from your registry, and often people who want to get a gift for you but can't find one in your price range will simply put off buying you one and eventually forget. Single friends generally spend $30-50, while couples or friends going in together will presumably double that, usually on the higher end. Again, there's rarely a shortage of gifts over a hundred dollars on the registry so no worries about that.
Now, the gifts don't have to be single gifts - for example, say you register for a $20 shower curtain, a $10 shower liner, and a $15 bath mat. This makes a nice sort of themed gift and you can count it in your head as having a $45 option, which is obviously flexible as you can add or remove.
Should you find yourself feeling forced to get something you feel is silly, just remember that the card can make all the difference with just a pun, a nod to some personal thing, or a mention of why it's actually important. For example, buying a space heater "for the hottest couple I know," or a pot "just so you always remember who taught you how to make chicken soup." You get the idea.
Thus ends part one of the registry advice. Next time - where to register and why!
For example, a couple registers for something thinking they really need it, and a gift-buyer thinks "that alone is a crappy present." Like what, you ask? Like single pots. Like individual kitchen utensils. Like open stock dishes. People do not like buying these presents. They like SETS. They like feeling like they're contributing something significant to your lives. Never mind that you would use that pot every day. It still feels like "just a pot." To quote my dear friend B, "what do you say? 'Thanks for the pot'? Haha."
Sets are your friend. Pots come in sets, and yes, those kitchen necessities like spatulas and slotted spoons, those come in sets too. If you like those bed-in-a-bag things, that's awesome. Who wouldn't rather get someone their entire set of bedding than chipping with six people for a duvet cover? Just look carefully at what a set includes - I don't believe they usually include ladles, for example, so make sure you add those separately and hope you invited one of those people that like to buy all the little kitchen things (or who do so as a result of last minute scrambling when everything else on your registry has been purchased.)
And speaking of noticing what sets do NOT include, please note that 5-piece china settings generally do NOT include bowls, which must be registered for separately. However, I believe Michael C. Fina (www.michaelcfina.com) offers some settings in 6-piece too. The greatest thing is when stores like Fortunoff (which has just about every china pattern ever made) have a special sale where a bowl comes free with the setting. In fact, my very brilliant friend who was recently married actually returned the settings she'd received without bowls during one of these sales and got back settings with bowls instead. This, my friends, is sheer genius.
Another tip to help you get what you want? Make sure you have a number of gifts available in every price range, keeping in mind the general spending habits of wedding guests in our general circle, which, as far as I can tell, are as follows:
Engagement gifts: Vary greatly, anyway from around $20 from peers to hundreds from relatives. Try to have a few $20-30 gifts for friends, and some $50-75 for the average adult couple. People who want to spend more will always find something from your registry and don't really need to be planned for.
Shower gifts: Almost uniformly $25, give or take five bucks here or there. Lingerie has a way of being more expensive, but then, there's no registering for that. (Although bear in mind that you can register for a shower at Sephora (www.Sephora.com).
Wedding gifts: These also vary greatly, of course, but again, just going with what I've seen the past few years. These are the most important to ensure you have an abundance of on your registry, as this is the class of gifts most likely to be purchased from your registry, and often people who want to get a gift for you but can't find one in your price range will simply put off buying you one and eventually forget. Single friends generally spend $30-50, while couples or friends going in together will presumably double that, usually on the higher end. Again, there's rarely a shortage of gifts over a hundred dollars on the registry so no worries about that.
Now, the gifts don't have to be single gifts - for example, say you register for a $20 shower curtain, a $10 shower liner, and a $15 bath mat. This makes a nice sort of themed gift and you can count it in your head as having a $45 option, which is obviously flexible as you can add or remove.
Should you find yourself feeling forced to get something you feel is silly, just remember that the card can make all the difference with just a pun, a nod to some personal thing, or a mention of why it's actually important. For example, buying a space heater "for the hottest couple I know," or a pot "just so you always remember who taught you how to make chicken soup." You get the idea.
Thus ends part one of the registry advice. Next time - where to register and why!
Jeweddingirl
I really like weddings - kind of an irony since while planning my own, I do my best to repeat my mantra: "It's just a five-hour party." (Nota Fiance: "Six, if you're doing it right.") It's not so much the wedding party itself - let's just say flowers are not my domain - but for me, the fun stuff is more the registering, guest-list-making, program-writing, etiquette part of it. Strange, I know, but if you know me, you know this.
This kind of love does not lend itself to being a good wedding planner, as some have suggested I try. I imagine you would want your wedding planner to care if you had hydrangeas (which I hate) or calla lilies (which I love. Hmmm, maybe I care more than I think...) But since I have nothing to do with this particular obsession, and I don't want to load my blog that people actually read with wedding crap, it seemed that this was something I could do during my very slow days leading up to my August nuptials. And so...Jewediquette! (Because, as we all know, Jewish weddings are a totally different ballgame...)
A note: I have zero qualifications to be giving advice. I feel I should mention that. However, people do ask me questions, so what the hell, right? So here are some recently asked questions, and my answers, mostly based on absolutely nothing but what I think:
Q: Fiance? Fiancee? I took Spanish in high school.
A: Simple French rule of thumb: One e means it's masculine. Two means it's feminine. I am his fiancee. He is my fiance. Done.
Q: Can I wear a white dress to someone else's wedding?
A: You never know what a bride's pet peeves are gonna be, so err on the side of caution. If you're close enough with the bride, just ask her if she minds, and encourage her to be truthful. If you're not, and you're really longing to wear your dress, try to pair it with a brightly colored and considerably non-bridal accessory, e.g. a shawl, metallic shoes, not-so-delicate jewelry. However, if your dress is long (i.e. longer than cocktail length) or made of a bridal or bridesmaid fabric (e.g. chiffon would be OK, lace or satin would not), it's a no-go. There are limits.
Q: Do I have to invite someone who invited me?
A: Who hasn't asked this question? Well, my answer may not be the safest but I feel OK about it. My feeling is that if you haven't spoken to them in over a year, and they in no way acknowledged your engagement, cut away.
Q: Do I have to get an engagement present, and a shower present, and a wedding present? Um, I'm poor.
A: Nope, only if you're going to the shower, yes.
Tune in next time for my favorite subject of all time...registries!
This kind of love does not lend itself to being a good wedding planner, as some have suggested I try. I imagine you would want your wedding planner to care if you had hydrangeas (which I hate) or calla lilies (which I love. Hmmm, maybe I care more than I think...) But since I have nothing to do with this particular obsession, and I don't want to load my blog that people actually read with wedding crap, it seemed that this was something I could do during my very slow days leading up to my August nuptials. And so...Jewediquette! (Because, as we all know, Jewish weddings are a totally different ballgame...)
A note: I have zero qualifications to be giving advice. I feel I should mention that. However, people do ask me questions, so what the hell, right? So here are some recently asked questions, and my answers, mostly based on absolutely nothing but what I think:
Q: Fiance? Fiancee? I took Spanish in high school.
A: Simple French rule of thumb: One e means it's masculine. Two means it's feminine. I am his fiancee. He is my fiance. Done.
Q: Can I wear a white dress to someone else's wedding?
A: You never know what a bride's pet peeves are gonna be, so err on the side of caution. If you're close enough with the bride, just ask her if she minds, and encourage her to be truthful. If you're not, and you're really longing to wear your dress, try to pair it with a brightly colored and considerably non-bridal accessory, e.g. a shawl, metallic shoes, not-so-delicate jewelry. However, if your dress is long (i.e. longer than cocktail length) or made of a bridal or bridesmaid fabric (e.g. chiffon would be OK, lace or satin would not), it's a no-go. There are limits.
Q: Do I have to invite someone who invited me?
A: Who hasn't asked this question? Well, my answer may not be the safest but I feel OK about it. My feeling is that if you haven't spoken to them in over a year, and they in no way acknowledged your engagement, cut away.
Q: Do I have to get an engagement present, and a shower present, and a wedding present? Um, I'm poor.
A: Nope, only if you're going to the shower, yes.
Tune in next time for my favorite subject of all time...registries!
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