Vendors Vidi Vici

Dealing with vendors is generally the toughest part of planning a wedding. Either you know what you want but they can't give it to you, or the price they're asking is absurd, or you don't even know where to begin. Rare indeed is the couple who gets photographer, florist, band, and caterer right on the first try. And the worst part of it, especially for control freaks like myself, is that everything about your special day is in the hands of these people.

So get it right.

How to start? Recommendations, obviously. Think about food, music etc. at a wedding that you loved and find out who that couple hired. On the flip side, think of weddings where you thought the vendors sucked, and don't bother. Next, it's time to formulate your deal breaker questions.

Want English music? Make sure the band is willing to play it. Want a pretty mechitza on your dance floor? Make sure it's something the florist is willing to do. Want an outdoor wedding? Make sure the band can accommodate with a sound system and find out if you need to pay extra for it and how much. Get all the costs up front--you never know what they'll charge you extra for, from photographers coming earlier than they'd like to to take pictures, to a venue charging additionally per head for liquor, to a band playing songs that are not in their repertoire.

When you've narrowed it down, discuss your vision with those vendors, and get a sense if it feels like something they think they can do. If you want certain songs and the band won't play them, or you want certain dances to be played and the band tells you it's a bad idea, they could be right, but it's your wedding. Don't let any vendors bully you just because they're professionals. The only exception to this rule is that you should probably listen to your florist if they tell you that the flowers you want aren't in season--look up which flowers are more likely to be available during your wedding month before you get too attached to ones you aren't going to get.

Once you've picked a vendor, then it's time to really start taking control:

Band--once you've established a price, the kind of dancing you want, the timing, and their ability to play outdoors if that's something you require, it's time to pick the music. As far as I'm concerned, a good band is one who can say "if we don't know it, we'll learn it." Music can be a great way to really personalize your ceremony. Have a TV show you love? Consider having someone walk down to that theme song. Do you and your fiance(e) have a song? Consider having one of you walk down to it. Have any couples walking down who have a song? You get the idea. Or you could go with traditional Hebrew songs, which are classy and beautiful--Lecha Dodi, Aanim Zemirot, Mehera, Yerushalayim Shel Zahav...all lovely options.

Remember to limit the number of songs you choose for the procession at the Chuppah. You don't need something new for every pair that walks down, and too many transitions will make the band crazy and will make for very short snippets of beautiful songs. For example, if you have grandparents, bridesmaids, siblings, and the bride with her parents, keep it to no more than four songs.

You'll also need to discuss with the band whether the groom will be singing Eshet Chayil (and whether he'll require some assistance with his singing...) and if you're having English music, what song you'd like for your first dance.

For those who have no idea where to begin, some popular choices for bands in the New York area include Neshoma, BaRock, and Neginah. Elsewhere, I've only heard the Jake Palefski Orchestra, but they're great!

Photographers--I have yet to find anyone who thinks their photographer was perfect. If they're beloved, they're expensive, which isn't to say they're not worth it, but a budget is a budget and the key to fitting everything into your budget is to prioritize which vendor is most important to you.

I find three things make good photographers: Taking good pictures, taking key pictures, and not getting in the way of the action. The first, you'll judge when you visit their studios and take a look at their albums, and the third you can only know by seeing or by word of mouth. (Although you should probably make it clear to them if this is something that's very important to you.) As for the key pictures, here's where you come in.

Make a list of all the pictures you must have. Even the most professional of photographers can forget the basics when they're in a rush and surrounded by strangers. Don't skip the ones you think are obvious--my friend's husband has no pictures alone with his father from their wedding, and they noticed the second they got the proofs. Some things you may want to include that aren't a given:

--A picture of the bride with each bridesmaid/groom with each groomsman
--A picture of the entire bridal party together
--A picture of just the siblings on each side
--The bride and groom with both sets of parents
--The bride and groom, each with their respective grandparents
--The tables at the smorgasboard, if they have anything particularly interesting (I mention this because at our wedding, there was apparently a fantastic ice sculpture cut to look like our monogram, and we only found out that it was there because one lone friend posted a picture of it on Facebook.)

As for videographers, sometimes the photographers can provide them, sometimes you'll need to go elsewhere for one. They pretty much always get in the way and there's nothing you can do.

Also, find out exactly what you're getting after the wedding. You're going to want some beautiful 8x10 photos so make sure they come with your package. If one or both of you has separated or divorced parents, you may want to negotiate additional albums and enlargements so no one is left out.

Again, if you have no idea where to start, here are some popular New York area options: Visions by David Conn (falls into the great but fairly expensive category), Jerry Meyer, Simchavision (OK they're not popular but they're who we used and we were pretty happy with them...but then again, we haven't seen our album yet)

Caterers--the most expensive of the vendors, it's tough to say any of them don't know what they're doing. Same as the rest--find out what their price includes and what your options are. If you're getting married outside of the New York area and can't find a kosher caterer in your town, some caterers are willing to work outside the tri-state area.

Some venues have in-house Kosher catering, which is definitely the cheapest option, and the food is just as good if not better. Naturally, these are the more popular venues, and may not be as easy to get on the weekends. These include Marina Del Rey, Beth El Synagogue in Cedarhurst, and I haven't been there in 11 years but I believe the Sands as well.

Popular options: Main Event (note: they do not do tastings), Mauzone, Foremost

Florist--they do so much more than you think...these guys handle not only centerpieces but bouquets, boutonnieres, the chuppah, the aisle, and the mechitza. As I said earlier, stick with flowers that are seasonally appropriate or risk a huge expense or, possibly worse, a "sorry, we can't do that."

Popular options: I have no idea, except for Monsey people who all use Mrs. Gold, and who, despite having no idea who I was on the day of the wedding, I thought did an excellent job.

Best of luck!

Being a Good Guest

Being a good guest starts way even before the wedding even begins. In an age where we're no longer restricted to the very personal touch of a phone call, you pretty much have to go out of your way not to wish someone a Mazel Tov when they get engaged, whether in person, by phone, by sending a card, by e-mail, by text, by OnlySimchas post, or by Facebook post. I mean, come on--it's couldn't be easier. I will flat out tell you--I did not invite a single person to my wedding who didn't wish me a Mazel Tov in some sort of fashion. With all the channels available for communication these days, how could you consider your self to be a good enough friend to be invited if you're not even comfortable or interested enough in the couple to wish them congratulations?



So there you go, the obvious step 1: congratulate. The happy couple wants people there who show interest if not excitement in their wedding. So don't be that guy--you either look apathetic or bitter. Or both. Oh, and when you contact the couple, don't give them crap about how you heard they got engaged. Yes, it would be nice if they personally called every single one of their friends, but that's absurd, so get over it. That's what OnlySimchas is there for.

Then come all the obvious next steps--buying presents when you deem you should, making sure to say congratulations in person at related events, replying promptly if the bride or groom e-mails you for your address, sending in your response card on time and committing to your response, or giving sufficient advance notice if changing your response, and, of course, showing up to the actual event in a timely manner.

And now, at the actual wedding...

Guys--sure, food is good and flirting with the chicks is fun, but empty Chassan's Tishes are really depressing, and there's food and alcohol there too, so mosey on over and sing loud, even if you have to down a lot of Jack Daniels to do it.

Girls--yup, it's awkward, but talk to the bride anyway. Bring a buddy if you have to. It's pretty not OK to skip out on greeting the bride, even if she seems like she's super busy and couldn't care less. Just don't take too long--older women will step on you--and be careful of her makeup.

Like taking pictures? Great! Just stay out of the photographers' way, and when it comes time to post them, try to omit the ones the bride is clearly not going to be a fan of.

And then we've got the chuppah. The number one worst thing you can do at a chuppah is leave your cell phone on. Nothing destroys a magical moment faster than "My Humps" blaring suddenly in the middle of the reading of the ketubah. Keeping the talking to a minimum is obvious, as is not sticking your camera in the face of anyone walking down. If the bride was kind enough to give you jewelry for segulah, make sure you return it to someone in the bridal party ASAP, and to finish it all off, dance them out like the royal couple they are for the day.

Now for the wedding itself, there are a few things it's really nice to be attentive to if the bride and/or groom don't have bridesmaids and/or groomsmen, and especially if you are a bridesmaid or groomsmen. Number one is water--decorated bottle or simply a glass of tap, it doesn't matter--just keep the couple hydrated. Number two is a chair--everyone needs a break every now and again. Number three is a napkin--no one likes dripping sweat! And number four is way more optional but still appreciated--if you can figure out some way to fan them, go for it.

And of course, there's always schtick, which has a huge range. The only schtick that seems to be manditory these days are arches, which you can make out of pool noodles or hoola hoops, borrow from a friend, or get from a g'mach. It's also cute to substitute something a little more personal--at one particularly athletic couple's wedding, for example, we used hockey sticks and baseball bats instead. If you know a musical couple, inflatable guitars may be a cute choice.

The easiest schtick, of course, are shirts from schools and/or institutions the pair have attended, but there's no limit to what you can do, from cutouts of meaningful objects to posters of things they love, to blown up pictures, to funny costumes, to absolutely anything that might mean anything to the bride or groom or both.

And finally--benching. It's a really nice thing when the bride and groom finally get a chance to sit down at their table and relax for benching to look out and see their friends, so it's kind of a lousy thing to do to sit at your table, hunched over a piece of warm chocolate cake, while they feel that no one cares about this last ritual part of the event. Suck it up, pull up a chair, and whether you washed or not, take a seat as front and center as you can get it.